Wednesday mammmmaries.

Today I heard Janis Joplin's Piece of my Heart for the first time in what felt like years. It brought that strange rush of excitement that comes from a truly good song that sort of meshes with or explains the human condition. I remembered one Saturday night spent alone at my dad's house. I was old enough to be alone while he was out, but young enough that I felt shocked and furtive when I discovered the Big Brother & the Holding Company lp in his collection. He must have just found it or re-bought it, because I had never noticed it before in my routine inspections of his stuff when he wasn't around. For some reason, I didn't want him to know that I had found it.


I guess I was a sheltered child, because I was totally blown away by Crumb's art, though I think I had seen stray cartoons here and there in old backissues of Easyriders left lying around the garage. I listened to the album and could not believe how incredible it was. Thanks to one of my mother's boyfriends, I started listening to Hendrix and the Doors and Steppenwolf towards the end of my elementary school years, about 11 or 12, so I instantly fell for Janis without really knowing what to do with her. She challenged my perceptions of "big" women, or I guess any woman. Not prissypretty or pretending coyness and, most shocking of all, not appearing to give a single fuck about it.



Everything about him was sweet and charming and gilded. Holy shit I love that video so much.

I haven't been able to fall asleep til way past my usual bed time lately. Giving me problems. I don't seem to be doing anything useful with this extra time. Except ~blogging~

weekends seem so much longer when i don't go out. in a good way.

i: embroidered, cooked, made some basil-infused olive oil, cleaned, took the dog to the vet, re-arranged my storage closet, ate everything in sight, tried to sell plenty of decent clothing at the buffalo and was completely denied after which i bought a jacket - this doesn't compute with my crazy saving/no spending policy, had a crappy lunch at ra, looked at houses in n. phx (i don't care anymore), and took some walks.

sometimes i forgot how excellent goodwill is. i was so annoyed at having to go buy a strainer to finish up with the basil oil, and doubly annoyed when i showed up at linens & things to shell out $10 for one only to find that they closed! the next day i got one at goodwill for 74 cents. can't beat a student discount on a 15 year old plastic strainer. har.

last time i went to goodwill, i stupidly passed up a very old steamer trunk. it was awesome. heavy as hell, and when i heaved the lid open, i found that the inside had tons of drawers and compartments, everything lined with a brittle jacquard silk. i should have bought it, it was only $15 or something, but i don't even know if i could have fit it in the rabbit, and space is an issue right now. i also found a metal plate that appeared to have been pried off of a tombstone or a mausoleum wall that had "rest in peace" hammered in relief on it. what?

so, ah.

home and by myself all weekend. such a born loner! it doesn't bother me at all. in fact, i hardly notice it because i'm busy. i become stressed out when i can't be alone. i think i need it in order to get over being around so many people at work all week.

i was so stressed on friday. though nothing especially bad had happened, i just felt that i had had a complete assfull of work for the week, and i actually teared up a few times in the morning just thinking about all i had left to do! good god. sometimes i have to take a step back from all of the constant running it takes just to maintain a life and ask myself if that actually IS life. i feel like a cog in a machine that can never stop moving. and, frankly, that's something that i can't let myself think about. it's too utterly depressing.

maybe as a result, i've been saving money - obsessively. only for the past month. i used to spend to make myself feel better, and now i think i'll try a more proactive angle, as the former didn't exactly work out. besides, recycling or reworking something i already own into something new that i've decided i need makes me feel like a crafty fox.

i did let up on my spending moratorium slightly to go out and buy the supplies for a non-dairy milkshake, because i seem to think about chocolate shakes like 2x a day here. awesome. yeah, i can't have dairy anymore. it's giving me probs. so i have in effect become a quasi, resentful vegan. meat's out, dairy's out. still eating eggs because i need them, and still eating sushi because damn. a bitch gotta live, right? anyway, the vegan shake was awesome. non-soy, non-dairy vanilla bean ice cream + some vanilla rice dream + hershey's syrup (no milk in this? radical) i recommend. but i have to admit - the blender kind of scares me.

i'll add that to my list of strange fears and alarming things:

blenders, balloons, the ocean, mirrors in dark rooms, and i'm sure everything else that i'm alarmed by will become increasingly supernaturalish. thankfully married to the sea can summarize my concern re: balloons here.

can tv shows and online comics be my soulmates? apparently. married to the sea, anything tina fey does, and achewood.

but i suppose if loretta lynn can be my spirit animal, then a tv show can be my soulmate.

oh and my dog has a mystery sore on his face as of today. it's red and raised and the size of a very large zit. but it is not raw or open, just raised. hard to describe, but there are still hairs on it. though it is probably nothing, it could be absolutely anything, so of course i'm thinking the worst. and will be calling the vet tomorrow. between this and my car's imminent service, i'm going to be none too happy about draining my baby savings account already.

damn it!

unrelated, i'm watching bette davis on dick cavett in 71. i love him and i love her. i think i need to watch now, voyager and remember that i am not dead.

three things this tuesday:

1. i found elizabeth taylor's twitter: bonus. she is sassy and tends to repeat herself: bonus, and comfort (i do too).

2. i got a stellar annual review: bonus. i got a raise: bonus. due to the fact that i started at a higher rate of pay than is the norm in my department, that raise approximates to...6o cents an hour: BURN. why do i try? what will i do with that extra $48 (before taxes) every two weeks?! deciding will be the fun part, i guess.

perhaps i should ~invest it~

3. i started a summer geology class today. this is also a bonus. i love geology, and i wish the reality of it didn't involve so much chemistry and physics. i just want to ramble around the desert checking out rocks and scowling at mountains, plateaus, basins, crags, you know. taking soil samples and making little notes. i don't want to go work for some mining company, hello.

4. no thanks to mariah carey and her cover of "i'll be there".

wait what.

I have decided to purchase a house. It is already totally daunting. I've established my requirements and price range. Unfortunately, I thought $100k was buying a lot more house than seems to be the case, at least in areas desirable to me. Most of my prospects so far have been foreclosures that appear to have been rentals. In disrepair, utterly trashed, but also old and primitive looking enough that hopes for original kitchens and bathrooms are not unfounded. All of my best options thus far have been in my old hood, though, and I don't want to live that far north! I must be closer to work, for I have road angst.

But I will be looking for a while, I'm sure. I found an interesting and creepy 1925 build with Arizona room, mysterious backyard with benches hidden behind little stands of trees, outdoor fireplace (as if), original details inside, and so on. The house had an eerie feel about it and I felt decidedly creeped out as I circled the exterior, looking in the windows and trying doors. Like it was holding its breath, and hiding something. And waiting.

You really never know, though. I was thinking about my dad's old house, very beloved to me in spite of its own complete creepiness. There was a suicide in the garage at some point and you could still see the odd splatter on the unfinished vaulted ceiling. No shit - they didn't have ladders then? The guy who bought it from my dad did a complete remodel and flipped it. I went to the open house and all of the dusty 1950s details had been sanitized, painted, covered with drywall and otherwise driven from the house, including in the garage. So god knows what happened in this scary abandoned bungalow. It's set back from the street and completely obscured from everything by deep oleanders and trees, so obviously all of this is ideal for me. I'd stay at home alone and play Sunset Boulevard.

immediate goals.

- visit a state park, woods and water.
- learn to tat, crotchet and knit. and do a french knot
- visit anita in san diego, go to beach
- roll that old 401k into a roth
- get a new camera
- find a great big box to make a ring box out of
- get ahold of jamie
- casual sex?
- figure out when mad men, true blood and flipping out seasons begin again
- become this woman or at least incorporate her as my spirit animal:

but whygodwhy is it $90? i cannot pay that much for an item that i will wear twice a year. all of these preshington vintage inspired suits are outrageously priced.

yep. but in black.