Thursday, October 29, 2009


so I netflixed scarlett, the mid-90s tv miniseries based on alexandra ripley's "sequel" to gone with the wind. absurdity all over the place, but i was ALL about this shit when i was in middle school.

gone with the wind is a big deal to me because it got to me young. i remember sobbing hysterically on my bedroom floor when i finished the book for the first time, and falling into a weird quiet sullenness for weeks afterwards as i silently obsessed about this book. but then, maybe that's a bookish only-child behavior. i had the same experience with little women and interview with the vampire, for example, but gone with the wind took the longest time to get over.

anyway, the miniseries (and probably the book, but i don't think i'll be re-reading it to find out) is very, very cheesy. dramatic, overdone, pathetically riding the coattails of gone with the wind. in scarlett, she rattles off all of the famous phrases at least once, "fiddle dee dee!" "tomorrow is another day," and "i'll think about that tomorrow." lots of blustery drama, what margaret mitchell simply implied about scarlett's character, she openly declares in the miniseries. i'm scarlett o'hara! no one beats me! i never quit! etc!

i turned it off in exasperation this morning but later realized that this book/miniseries somehow made a deep impression on my ideas of adulthood and what a woman should be, and what i expected myself to become. someone born with an innate sense of superiority and purpose, yet a strong gauge for right and wrong, who went around righting injustices and saving the day, constantly battling the forces of evil and winning after a dramatic struggle. all of which would, of course, be accompanied by a sassy and witty dialogue. hah! it will suffice to say that this is not how my adulthood has turned out. or not yet.

it is funny and interesting to me to consider how i viewed the future at that age. i had no concept of work or serving time in school. essentially, i had no clue or somehow completely ignored the concept of a daily reality. i just knew that i would (i must) arrive at an end result that was satisfactory to me in the ways that i needed it to be. i would be independent, always striving toward some noble goal, taking care of those weaker than myself, accomplishing the seemingly impossible - oh, and there would be horses. everything was negotiable, but horses must be involved.

well, here i am. approaching the death of my extended twenties-childhood and i have no overdramatic superwoman struggles, and no horses. WTF

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

holy fucking hot yoga

last night was my first, and possibly last, hot yoga experience. my co-worker has been raving about it for weeks, and though i had heard bad things, i finally decided to try it. at first it wasn't so bad and was even kind of exhilarating, but i think it's too intense for my blood. the room was so hot, much hotter than i expected. i think they said 104 degrees, to start out.

it was sort of strange, though. for a beginner's class, the instructor didn't really help or describe the poses at all. i had to just mimic other people, but i was under the impression that each pose is very precise, and halfassing them based on what other people look like could be...a mistake? that was the least of my worries, though. after 45 minutes of standing poses, i was feeling somewhat nauseated and panicked about the heat. i tried just sitting/lying down to relax and get through it, but it was pure torture and i eventually started feeling so anxious and awful that i had to leave the room, which is ~strongly discouraged~ apparently.

when i did leave the room, i was annoyed to find that there were only 15 minutes left. had i known that, i might've been able to power through to the end, but i had no concept of time in there and no idea how much of this hell was left. i probably could have handled it had my stomach not become so shaky. afterwards, though, i felt totally amazing. i still can't really describe how, though. the good feeling continued through today, somewhat.

the only major, major downgrade to this whole experience is it triggered the worst migraine of my life. by the time i had showered and eaten, it was so intense that i started to wonder how bad it had to get before i went to urgent care. so incredibly painful, it felt like my brain was splitting in half. i have no idea how i fell asleep, but it was gone when i woke up. i read online today that apparently some other people have had this same issue from the general trauma caused by the heat. i don't get migraines often, but when i do, i really have to observe the "triggers," because they are out of control. at least this one didn't last for three days.

but, i paid for 2 weeks of unlimited sessions there (HAH! funny), so i may try it again just to see if the migraine was a one time thing. doesn't seem worth the risk, but i guess that's how cheap i am. i paid someone to torture me? well then they're damn well gonna do it.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

in which i am a giant nancy wuss.

how embarrassing.

i just had the most absurd roach experience. i haven't dealt with having sewer roaches in my place in a long time, and i guess i've grown soft. i saw one motor out of my bathroom from the corner of my eye earlier and instantly lost it. i paused my movie and sat in frozen terror on my bed, trying to come up with a way to get out of this situation. after too long, i formulated a plan: kill the roach.

as i was dressing (on the bed), the thing approached my bedroom door. things i have learned about roaches: they do not respond to yelling and wild gesturing even if they are big enough that you want to treat them like an animal, not an insect. they do not respond to flung water. they do, however, respond to the wild shaking of a wells fargo statement. it bolted from view long enough for me to grab my things and dart out to the store to spend a stupid amount of my previously carefully budgeted money on roach-killing things.

kills non-stop!

on the way home i thought about that episode of this american life where they talked about infestations. bed bugs, roaches. so many roaches that they crawled into the unfortunate tenants' ear canals and had to be removed in the ER. MORE THAN ONCE. i saw a cop car on the way and wanted to flag them over and say, hey, make yourself useful. follow me.

anyway, it's over. my place is now littered with roach traps. i came home and saw the thing hunkering behind my trash can and sprayed it wildly with raid while screaming uncontrollably. did i mention how large it was? the neighbor dogs started barking. i really am surprised/disappointed in the level of freakout i displayed, but what can you do.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009


someone mentioned this short to me and i remembered the jingle "onetwothree FOUR FIVE sixseveneight NINE TEN eleven twelve" instantly.

awesome? basically. early childhood shows are embedded in my brain. like the crayon factory short (i wanted to work there, in spite of the dour hairnetted employees) and the one about the mexican concha pastry things. did i make that up? the cookies that look like snails, i don't know.
which reminds me, i need a churro immediately. i'll get one at the fair to make up for all of the awesome terrible fried foods i can't have now that i can't eat dairy. in fact i probably can't have a churro either, but i probably will anyway.

i watched before night falls last night. holy fuck. i am not a typical movie buff, i do not care about directors and i don't normally care to discuss that kind of shit, but this movie is a masterpiece. so incredibly subtle. i can't really describe it. but there's something about the way people and works of art dwell on and tout their details. the way people brag about their origins, go out of their ways to illustrate the finer points of their beauty or why they are more remarkable than the rest of us...i can't really figure out how i want to articulate it. but this movie doesn't make a big deal about cuba, a big deal about this man's wretched childhood, a big deal about anything but he and his writing. no glorifying or beautifully gritty shots of havana, no excessive reveling in the era other than a focus on the society and social relations. i guess i won't worry about spoilers as this movie is like 8 years old, but in the end when you realize he has aids, it's a fast slap in the face and the rest of the movie is too fast and unnerving, like the disease, out of control roller coaster car. and then the very end - again, fuck. so sudden and horrifying. i cried. for a while! i have been thinking about it all day.

also, javier bardem? particularly bangable.

i am bored. i am unable to spend money due to last week's excesses. i need to avoid things that are bad for me, but, again, boredom creates stupid situations and behavior. for me, anyway. but, i am avoiding them.

Monday, October 19, 2009

i think i'm in need of a radical sabbatical. i need to get out of town. it's mid-october and in the high 90s. every time i go out, i want it to be CRISP.

but instead, it's still hot.

i think my friend just bought a house in albuquerque. this will probably be my next destination. i'm very bored and in need of something.

the new place is awesome. i need to upload some photos. unfortunately, the neighbor in whom i had such high hopes for friendship has...died. i figured we might have a lot in common given that she was 95, still into bars, and a bitch. i shouldn't be that flip about it. does it matter? i don't know. either way, i wish she was still around.

i can't believe it's this late already and i have to be back at work in so few hours. i need to find a new life for myself.

Friday, October 9, 2009

fuck -> it

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Signed a lease on a new apartment today. I am excited, as it's almost exactly what I want/need aside from being slightly small. The additional benefits outweigh this, though. Consider: backyard for the dog, lemon tree that the owner said is ANNOYING because it has such huge crops every year (wtf? this alone is a dealmaker) and a crotchety 90-something old woman neighbor who used to sing in bars in the 30s and still does once a week at karaoke. Word is she still puts down a pitcher of beer each time, too. New BFF! I hear she's mean.

Oh and it's cheap.

So then I decided it was time to get a bike since I will be closer to Lux. Then I noticed that the new Postino is right on the corner of my brother's street which means getting day drunk on $5 glasses of wine on the weekends and hilarious bike rides home. What? If I get a bike DUI I swear to god I will firebomb this entire state. Or, fine, just the county. Urban sprawl getting you down? Let me take care of that.

Then I found this perfect bike:

It is not mine yet. Maybe tomorrow.

So October is good so far. I am too skeptical to really have fun with this sort of thing, but I read some extensive horoscope for October for me and I am choosing to believe it as much as I possibly can, because it is so encouraging.

Friday, October 2, 2009

more fun than the bar? maybe. it's progressed quite a bit and that purple "wash-out" ink has disappeared, so i'm working blind. but i can't find the usb for my camera.

what should i do with it? this is my 3rd attempt and i think i'm ready to make what i really want: a wardrobe ripped right off of frida kahlo's back, a rainbow of puffy embroidered flowers and vines and little skulls growing out of flowers.

normally i regret making purchases, not passing them up...but sometimes i go through periods of hyper-frugality in which i will deny myself items that i know i have to have. one such item was an early 60s copy of arizona highways found in some antique store in wickenburg. on the cover was the most beautiful mexican girl with the requisite sweet face and glossy black hair everywhere, leaning on a fence or something in a full skirt and peasant shirt covered in said embroidery and looking like the most inspirational thing ever. i am sure the goddamned magazine was less than $10 and i told myself, i'm gonna wannnt this later...... and still, i resisted. damn it! i guess i could find it online, maybe.

last summer someone in my mother's condo complex either must have died or gone through an incredible purging period, because i found huge stacks of vintage arizona highways backissues starting in the early 60s on through the 90s sitting next to the dumpster. i still don't know what to do with them. it's too big...i have to think carefully first before i go tearing them apart.

i guess first on the list would be getting them out of my ex-boyfriends house!

i need to make some kind of effort to make clothing more of an exceptional occassion than just fulfilling some utilitarian need.