I'm dead. This is why I've kept the same gmail account for the last 15 years despite the fact that every letter in the address rhymes and I have to repeat it 48 times any time I need to give it out. Searching for something mundane, I came across the 500,000 emails and gchats my BFF and I exchanged nearly a decade ago when that felt like a more acceptable thing to do.
I did not think that I had matured at any point since, ever, but I apparently have. Or, failing that, I'm just less committed to maintaining my edge. Now I'm just old and reasonable.* Also, reading back on the problems and experiences of a person in their 20s is bizarre and hilarious, and sort of alienating. Who is this person? Even reading about this life is a bit more than I can take, much less living it, and that's why the changes associated with age are so necessary. People may dream about being young and attractive and interested in everything forever, but isn't it just exhausting? Wouldn't you rather just die? (edge activated) So much time spent agonizing over the personal life. Do elderly people just not care about anything at all? The amount of concern and baggage that I have dropped in a decade would indicate that there will be nothing left to care about in another one.
me: god i hate when people know i like them.
Laura: I do too but only because as soon as I know someone likes me, I lose interest in them
Laura: and I assume that is universal to some extent.
Laura: I think it depends on the person. I think some people who aren't used to being crushed on are so dazzled by the idea
me: oh probably
me: but i don't want them getting dazzled on my fucking dime.
me: i have to keep up my distance and mystery here.
Laura: LOLOL
Laura: you can't always be that one though.
me: haha. ah, fuck every person.
I'm glad I didn't get "fuck every person" tattooed on myself back then, because it would have been appropriate.
I listened to an interview with one of the oldest women in the US years ago. She said her happiest years were in her 60s, and her worst were in her 20s. Why can't we just enjoy ourselves when we are in peak condition and have few responsibilities? I'm sure some people do. Old-me would say those people enjoy themselves because they're too stupid to realize what's wrong. Now-me is just like, I do not care if they're enjoying their lives or not. Time to complain about how many times I see baby yoda every day. No, he is not cute.
Improvement?
There are a lot of funny, shocking things in the emails that I had forgotten about. My new (too late) fixation with privacy on the internet prevents me from pasting anything here, and I should probably go back through this entire blog and delete every identifying thing so that...what? What's going to happen? I'm going to get outed for writing ten thousand crappy posts about myself? Someone's going to tell my dad I made fun of him on the internet? He knows! Or if he doesn't, he should. Do these data mining companies trawl for old information or just current? Bad things can happen, of course, but will they? The data I produced back then is largely useless, I think. You can't tell what I was buying or voting for for the most part. And what else is data for. What is a Youtube video of Sylvia Plath reciting "Black rook in rainy weather" paired with a picture of the moon going to tell the Russians about me, other than I was goth-basic and 26 years old.
*Not true, but truer.
