Wednesday, May 18, 2016

Dad Theories

I feel like a jerk making fun of him, sometimes, but I feel obligated to because I'm the most qualified.  I know that he doesn't share the crackiest of his crack political and conspiracy theories with most people - maybe any other people - and when he does share with me, it's only after about 25 minutes of talking.  He sounds indulgent when he says it, like he's been percolating all of these little ideas, but his common law wife got no time for that shit in her day.  One moment, we're talking about the Kennedys and Tallulah Bankhead (as you do with your dad), and then:

"Look, 9/11 was an inside job, we know that."

Instantly, my mind pulls out a small notepad.  In a moment, I switch from adversarial to bemused.  I am Hedda Hopper.  "And who are 'They,' Dad?" (scribble)  This will be good Skyping material the next time my work bestie and I compare dads.


Conspiracies According to VB, 2016 Edition:

1. 9/11 was an inside job.
         a. It was and yet was not the Saudis.
                i. The Bush dynasty had been in bed with the Saudis forever (this I also believe to be true) and so arranging that part was easy.

2. George Bush Sr., as a CIA agent, was in Dallas the day JFK was murdered, and helped to facilitate that murder, because that was also an inside job.  Evidence: when asked where he was when he found out JFK was murdered, Bush Sr. said he couldn't remember.  "EVERYBODY knows where they were the day JFK died." -Dad

3. Deborah Palfrey, the "DC Madam," was murdered.  Because politics.

4. If the RNC can't put someone else up and Trump gets the nomination, then Trump will be assassinated.  Because politics.

5. Hillary was already chosen by the New World Order leaders.  It's a done deal.  They are probably giving her this because they denied her in 2008.

6. Al Gore won the 2000 election.  (This I also believe to be true)

Opinions Held by VB, 2016 Edition:

1. The Dems should have put up an attractive man instead of Hillary.  Then we'd have less controversy.

2.  Bill Clinton looks like he has AIDS.  (After researching, I see this is a favorite Breitbart headline)

3. Bernie is too old.  (I say, He's one of few people older than you. You should like that.  BURN*)

4. Clark Gable was a man's man, in spite of his Hollywood lifestyle, because of what he did in the war.

5. The death of Carole Lombard is one of the saddest stories in the Hollywood annals, and I AGREE.


So naturally, I can't help but mock his ass, because seriously.  It's still a true fact, in spite of all of this, that my dad is the only person that I can talk about damn near all of my main interests with.  He cannot be shocked, he knows every name I throw, he dwells in the same eras, he has read or read about most of the things I have read.

The first time I read In Cold Blood, I gushed about it to him on the phone.  Among the greatest novels of the 20th century!  First true crime, and a high water mark with the soulful retelling of an unthinkable crime and heart-wrenching aftermath.  He shocked me because he knew, 20 years after his first time reading it, the names of the murderers and of the dead family.  He threw them out casually in the conversation, and knew all of their backstories, too.

In this anti-intellectual, vapid world, I'll take my crazy dad with his conspiracy and book collection, over most other people.

*Making fun of people older than myself staves off the ever-present feelings of impending doom re: my own age.  I recently said, during a feud with my haughty, wealthy landlord, "Well, I have something she doesn't: the ability to not pee when I laugh."  (catholic cross)